"Kim, picture it. The biggest wedding ever!

Face it, Ryan Seacrest.  It Blackfired!  There, there, dry your eyes.  Please, take one of these  and a little of this . 

When Kris Humphries’ black father was not the one tying his tie, when his white mother kept her back to the camera, when his beige sister was edited out of the walk down the aisle, when his entire family was practically deleted from their own son’s spectacle of a wedding, honey, you knew it couldn’t last.  This overblown Kardashian-style miscarriage of marriage would swiftly and abruptly abort.  But, in 72 days?

Did you know that that troll Ryan Seacrest was photoshopping the YMCAs and the NBA for a reality husband for the (formerly) most eligible bachelorette in the free world?   All in the name of made-for-TV-matrimony!  And ratings!  The only man in the world who has more jobs than a Jamaican has finally outdone himself.  Little did Seekrest know, in Kris Humphries, he found the biggest, most perfect mirror for the self-absorbed, self-obsessed Kim Kardashian.  (And her klan.)

Problem is, artificial Beauty never really likes mirrors; they are simply a necessity.  So guess what happens when a mirror unsupported by nuanced lighting is introduced?  A mirror with a bigger, brighter light with more personality, one that tends to accentuate the cellulite rather than diminish it?  Before a mirror this true—such as Kris Humphries, Booty must finally awake from her slumber and run for cover.

Kim:  “Mirror, mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest—”
Kris:  “Aaah, grow up!”

Crying about your dead father not walking you down the aisle, Kim?  Steering old Granddaddy Kardashian’s wheelchair away from a midday nap?  Filing for divorce on Halloween?  Despicable!  Yes, honey, please, by all means, keep the name!  You have made a mockery of marriage.

And, speaking of scary, who knows your fears like your family?  This was a self-fulfilling prophecy of doom, Kim’s worst nightmare.  The Bermuda Triangle (also known as The Devil’s Triangle) has been in effect for some time now.  Secretly (of course) the two loser stepsisters never wanted honey to rise to her full moon.  Never.  If the snout who beat her to the altar (“I give it six effing months,” Khloe K. Ugom) and the unwed mummy who beat her to the stirrups (“He has no filter,” Kourtney K. Nobody) had kept their slick pig noses out of her trough, Kim and Kris might still be as unhappily hitched as some of us are.

You guys, Bible, he's just not Reggie...

There is hope, however.  There are couples who are still making marriage look good (sort of):

"Marriage is no monkey business!"

               Heidi Klum and her baby Seal
               Miss Piggy and Kermit
               Beyonce and Jay-Z
               POTUS and FLOTUS
               Rita Wilson and Tom Hanks
               Jesus and The Church?

Like all the gays coveting marriage in the world, you were probably thrilled to hear that the lovely Armenian marsupial had escaped Down Under to promote her pocketbooks, appear on a talk show, or whatever.  The Bible says the marriage bed is undefiled.  Perhaps, if Kim had spent more time “down under” at home—blacklash, indeed—this boomeranging flap would have never recoiled in her face.

Ryan Seacrest and Appleheaded Guiliana DePandi can spend the whole E! hour—eight days a week—trying to clean this up, trying to change the direction of the fan.  But the Kardashians and their fake cubic zirconium band of wedding queens (dull shine, no luster) will from this day forward only be mud on my bumper.  Go Team Humphries!  Shower, anyone?  I’m feeling kind of dirty.