Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the “The Brown Sugar Awards.”  As this is not “The White Sugar Awards,” this show will not be starting on time.  Shirley Chisholm, the first Black person to run for president of the United States—and aside from being dead—is not a finalist.  Here’s why.  Black culture does not celebrate the college graduate.  Black culture celebrates the House of Corrections graduate.  It’s the prodigal son syndrome.  And my people got it bad.  Our brown sugar does not get a pat on her head for being good.  She gets a party (and a pat on the booty) for being so bad she’s good!  Besides, here at Blackbiter.com, we don’t have security for all those Nobel Prize-winning dignitary types.

Gabrielle Union
(comedienne masquerading as actress/model)

On rumors of being a homewrecker: "You can't wreck it if it's already wrecked. My witnesses will tell you, it had already happened. It was only LATER that I came to the scene. You know, like an ambulance."

Of a total 100 points, with a near-perfect 98 points, Gabrielle Union is this year’s winner of “The Brown Sugar Awards.”  With incomparable velvety brown skin like hers, no 5-lb bag of dazzling brown sugar ever glistened as brightly.  And no 5-lb bag of brown sugar has ever smelled or tasted as sweet; rumor has it, if you lick her she melts.

1. Of her many credits, brown sugar beauty Gabrielle Union starred in Bad Boys II, Cadillac Records, Good Deeds, and Think Like a Man.
2. Currently the star of BET’s (likely soon-to-be-canceled) Being Mary Jane.  (Wait.  It’s already canceled?  Oh, my bad.)
3. Featured in the 2012 documentary Half the Sky: Turning Oppression into Opportunity for Women Worldwide.
4. An advocate and heroine for survivors of assault and an Ambassador of Susan G. Komen for the Cure’s Circle of Promise.  (‘Circle of Promise’ sounds kind of “witchy,” doesn’t it?)
5. Like every other Black woman believing she can draw a love-starved world into her ample bosom, she has a degree in sociology, social work, or some other dead-end poverty-generatin’ diploma like that.  But so far, has yet to effect social change by using her brown sugar shine to form organizations such as “The School for Bad-azz Boy-eez”; playgrounds for the children of stressed-out mothers with Gone-outside-get-outta-my-sight Syndrome; or “Hoopdies for Homegirls Wif Kids” so they can have a car to drive to work (and the club).
6. She’s shackin’ up.  But don’t get it twisted, Sugar.  Sweet as she is, Gabby ain’t no Sugar Mama.  (Shackin’ up with 2012 Eastern Conference Champion and NBA Champion Miami Heat Hottie D-Wade, a sistah could do worse.)  Quadruple black points!
7. Alas, stereotypically, she’s dealin’ with two babies and (miraculously) only one baby mama.
8. If you mess with her man, she will risk emasculating him by heckling you.  Loudly! Relentlessly!  (You’ve been warned, bitches, refs, umps, everybody!)
9. Gabrielle Union rocks a killer weave.  (No, really she does.)  The New York Post (2/10/12) reported that our lovely brown goddess got in a tangle after her hair weave set off airport security, forcing the star to be patted down by (more than willing) TSA officers.  “Bout to take off…hopefully my weave doesn’t cause turbulence…it’s clearly very powerful,” Gabby wrote.  And after she landed, she added, “Came home 2 a dead bird whod flown n2 the glass…I suspect my weave had something 2 do w/the bird murder #killerweave.”
10. Monique is a very black-sounding middle name.

B-Lo (Black Loss of) Points

1. Born in Oma-who, Nebraska? (Oma-god, Gabby, stop lyin’!  If it ain’t near Atlanta, Black people don’t even know where that be.)
2. Really, a black Catholic?  (Diss Jesus, by praying to his who?  His mama?  Blasphemy! Oh, helllll naaawwww!)
3. The witty speed-talker was once heard conversing—mostly white-talkin’—with fellow thespian and hyper-articulate fast-talker Robin Givens.  Disturbed by the annoying buzz of white noise, the handful of Blacks in attendance slapped their palms to their ears and ran screaming out of the room.  Allegedly.
4. Double B-Lo points for boobs bobbing in under a 36 D.  And freakishly cellulite-free for a Black girl.  (She may actually be a life-size doll.  Eerily, the stiff upper lip does hearken to that of a ventriloquist’s dummy.)
5. Would never-ever-ever allow hair colored like Easter eggs to light near (or bleed on) her diva scalp.

Madea
(fugitive, mother/grandmother, actress/comedienne, author, sage)

"Halleluyer, praise the lort! I knew my time would come! But if you want me to come to church tomorry, make sure you have a smoking section."

Coming in 2nd place with a total of 92 points is none other than Miss Mabel Simmons, also known on da streets as Madea.  This big old paper sack full of sparkling brown sugar comes with a little grit.  Should you graze this lady lump of brown sugar in a flowered dress, you might want to move.  You mightt . . . gett . . . cutt.

1. A television and movie star, Madea’s credits include Diary of a Mad Black Woman, Madea’s Family Reunion, Meet the Browns, Madea Goes to Jail, I Can Do Bad All By Myself, Madea’s Big Happy Family, and Madea’s Witness Protection.
2. Author of Don’t Make a Black Woman Take Off Her Earrings: Madea’s Uninhibited Commentaries on Love and Life, 2006.
3. Initially supported her children by stripping, pole-dancing, and professional wrestling, etc.
4. Regular appearances include the courthouse, anger management classes, house arrest, and—with a lifelong criminal record—even prison, once or twice.  The past is the past, but there was that one incident.  Or two.  A charge of petty theft (age 9), progressing to illegal gambling (by age 18), check fraud, identity theft, insurance fraud (presumably related to her nine deceased husbands), assault and attempted murder, vehicle theft, smashing into other vehicles on roads, and forklifting vehicles out of parking spaces.  Also criminal trespassing, reckless endangerment, criminal possession of a handgun, assault with a deadly weapon, expired registration, and the minor infraction of a broken taillight while reckless driving with a suspended license.
5. But otherwise trustworthy and caring.  Schools women with self-esteem issues on the healing power of forgiveness and a scalding hot pot o’ grits in the fight against victimization.
6. Although her piece keeps the peace, other methods of attack include witty insults; unexpected stabs of a lit cigarette; strangulation and wrestling-style blows to the head with an elbow; and firing her piece.  (Shooting around the perp, she has learned, is enough to scare them straight, rendering murder one a very last resort).
7. In her eyes, “green” is the color of money.  She drives a gas-guzzler.  If the “ride” is not as long as a Walt Whitman poem, the car probably belongs to someone else.
8. Why work out when there’s sweet potato pie?  Somewhere.
9. Shamefully, she has voted only once in life.  (Before Barack Obama—the miracle no Negro ever thought possible in nine lifetimes—voting just seemed more white than right.)
10. Beats unruly kids without parental permission.  (She be’s the village.)
11. Like most Black women, strangely, she is as strong as a man—but mostly out of necessity.  (Ergo, she may be a multiple personality.  So, please, just don’t make her “go there.”)
12. With nine hubbies, no Black man has ever entered her life that she did not eventually have to put down.  Six feet down.  “I’m tryin’ to get to the insurance company by five and the casino by nine!”

B-Lo (Black Loss of) Points

1. May be a member of the NRA.  (Like most white people, her motto is: “Who needs God, when you carry a piece?”)
2. Double B-Lo points for her big ole bigoted ways.  (She possesses a vehement hatred for the rude, lazy and stupid—many of whom are family members; it’s very white of her. She was also a firm critic of sloppy saggers before it was cool with “the Blacks.”)
3. Still wearing those white women’s stockings (nude on them, just plain ugly on her).
4. Dreams lofty white man dreams.  Always has.  From birth.
5. Quadruple B-Lo points: Rumored to have dated Spike Lee.  When she dumped Spike, who was bitterly distraught (i.e. insanely jealous of her success), he began badmouthing her.  He even accused her of the high crime of “coonery buffoonery” to the white press to passive aggressively ruin her film career.  That dirty little knuckle-dragging Cro-Magnon!

Kim Kardashian
(businesswoman, socialite, television personality, model, actress, and “singer”)

"It's not black enough. Do they come in a rich, velvety Sudanese?"

Blackbiter.com has discovered that there is a wide variety of brown sugar available on the market—most of it, just processed white sugar colored with molasses, for a slightly caramel taste.  Natural brown sugar, on the other hand, is authentic and not overly processed; thus, it is generally thought to be better for the health than white sugar.  However, for her color, flavor, and particularly soft texture, Blackbiter.com is both regretful and bubbling out of our stretch pants with pride to announce the 3rd place winner of “The Brown Sugar Awards.”  The coveted 3rd place seat was only wide enough for a single set of six-inch pumps and a clump.  So kicking Kendra Wilkinson and Coco Ice T to the curb, with 89 points (and pretending to be sweeter than Stevia) is Kim Kardashian.  A 5-lb bag of artificial brown sugar.  Crystallized!  And va-jazzled!

1. Popular sex tape jettisoned her out of obscurity and the closet (organizing business) quicker than an empty shoebox.
2. Star of Keeping Up With the Kardashians and Kim and Kourtney Take New York, she is a reality star of unreal proportions.
3. Has a big heart and promotes certain charities.  (But after her mother gets through nickel-and-diming the organization, the charity winds up owing the Kardashians.  These pseudo-sistahs put the “none” in non-profit.)
4. Many agents may work on her behalf, but a bleaching agent is not one of them.  A tear forms in her black pearl for eyes and her lip trembles child-like whenever forced to admit that Armenians may NOT be light-skinned Blacks.
5. Determined to be the mother of Black children.  (Has dated more Black men than most loose women in da hood have given birth to or “dated” combined.)
6. Allergic to light-skinned Black men; eyes become red and water.  (Regarding ex-husband-to-be Kris Humphries, the lovely shrew was once overheard whining: “You guy-eez.  I really tried, but I couldn’t make myself believe that he was really, you know, black.  He was just too pigment-challenged.  It was like kissing an albino. Yuck!”)
7. Like any indecent Black family, she has a huge extended family of halves and steps.
8. Whether imported or homegrown, her undeniable booty of Africanesque assets is not up for debate.
9. A butt too big for television, she bumped her way onto the big screen in (irony of ironies) Tyler Perry’s The Marriage Counselor.
10. Noel is a very black-sounding middle name.
11. Favorite song: Jay-Z’s “All black everythang.”

B-Lo (Black Loss of) Points

1. Triple loss of black points for not understanding that as a Black woman, in this economy, a decent wedding is hard to come by.  So the sacred institution of marriage must never be taken for granted, not the first, the third, or the last time.
2. Bentley or not, what, no tattoos?  Come on Kimmie Cakes, not even on the sole of one foot?
3. As likely a shooting victim as a star, Kim Kardashian has partnered with mates who have done no jail time (yet).  (But Kanye West has “angry Black man” jailhouse potential.)
4. If times get rough, Kim Kardashian’s white subconscious (although lying deep and dormant) might tempt her to sell her Black children into slavery.  (You guy-eez, only for the sake of saving the plantation?!!  Duh.)
5. Realizing that there is a fine line between “phat” and fine, she may be guilty of the black sin of working out once a month.  To kill the bloat.
6. Posed nude for Playboy, but did not really need the money.  (“If not for the pay-puh, Li’l Man’s orthopedic shoes, or a job,” Black women say, “gurrrrl, ain’t no reason to take no clothes off!”)
7. May not have a soul.  Along with her lipgloss, fashions, fragrances, songs, sex tapes, nudie pics, nudie tweets, Virgins, Saints, and Angels jewelry collection, she may have already sold it.

Do you agree with the finalists?

[Editor’s Note: The facts came from Wikipedia; the BS came from me.]