Mesmerizing couple…

As you know, in Cleveland, nothing is normal.  Where you’re from, a river is water.  Where we’re from, a river is wet but it’s wet like a joint laced with crack cocaine that looks forward to catching fire.

We have hot pink & green houses whose hues look pretty good on girls who wear pearls (a.k.a. AKAs) but hideous on 1940’s-style bungalows.

Your weather is weird this season.  Our weather is weird every season.  We’re talking “shorts in the morning, snow boots in the evening” weird!

Serial killers are rare but always white…except in Cleveland.

So don’t even get us started about our crazy basketball team.  At Thursday night’s game against the OKC Thunder, LeBron James laid someone out on a stretcher in a head & matching neck brace, and it wasn’t even anyone from the opposing team, like Russell Westbrook in one of his fancy skirts.  We’re hoping the fan will make a quick recovery.  But since the truck that ran over her, breaking all the bones in her pale frail body, was 300-lb billionaire-to-be LeBron James, speeding up her recovery may require some even faster cash.  Unless, weirdly, she’s Ellie Day, wife of already rich 2015 PGA Championship winner Jason Day.  And, of course she is.  (Whew!  LBJ dodged a huge lawsuit there.)

But I digress…

Our crazy basketball team can curse you out in Russian and Australian.  J.R. Swish and Kevin Love greet each other with a special Hopi Indian love dance.  The entire team has secret man-crush handshakes.  Boston Celtics body snatcher Kelly Olynyk mistakes our limber ballers for Stretch Armstrong dolls.  And one of our players even has his own special magical shoes with Velcro (instead of those hard to tie laces) that transform “special” kids into the plain old ordinary boys and girls they were meant to be.  Cool, huh?

Shump, Jr., makes early arrival…wasn’t expected till Jan. 16, 2016.

So when news swept the nation that our high-top-fade-wearing small forward/shooter, Iman Shumpert, had taken midwifery matters into his own hands and delivered his own newborn in a bathroom with a hope & a prayer and headphones to tie the unBiblical cord, we Clevelanders simply said, “Welcome to Cleveland, Jr.”  And, by the way, of course, Shump Jr. is—to borrow a phrase from Popeye—a goyl!

Here is what Mama Teyana had to say on Instagram:

Congratulations to proud parents, singer/actress Teyana Taylor and Cleveland Cavaliers’ Iman Shumpert!