Batman:          “Does this mask make my chin look big?”

Superman:      “I think you mean loooonger.  And why is your voice auto-tuned?”

This Batman vs. Superman movie has caused me to feel like a kid being jerked around with on Jimmy Kimmel.  This can’t be right.   (Sweats bullets.)  Two good guys . . . enemies??   Can’t be!!!   Why would anyone want to make Superman mad at Batman?!!  (Tears up.)  Whose stupid, stupid, stupid idea was this anyway?  (Open mouth, insert pill (but only because I’m waaaay too old to be throwin’ a tantrum).)

Superman, although he originates from The Land, is alien-made.  Batman is man-made, an earthling.  An IT geek at work argued that Superman naturally has to win because the man of steel, well, “he was born that way.”  I replied, “Unh-unh, not if Batman bathes and lotions in “Krypto Nites” by Hugo Boss (of course).”

I must confess.  I have never bought a comic book.  And in all honesty, I respect Superman as much as I respect Batman.  However, I have always had a deep and abiding preference for Batman.  It’s the best cartoon of all time.  Batman, made for children?  Puh-leez.  He’s dark.  He’s sexy.  Cool.  It’s the reason why we adults go bat sh!t crazy anytime a new celebrity dares to wear the cape.

I’m stressed.

I don’t trust Ben Affleck as Batman.  Henry Cavill is perfect as Superman, perfect as himself, perfect as anybody for that matter.  I can only hope that Wonder Woman or Super Chick will be the voice of reason that will return the comic book universe back to some form of normalcy . . . before us mere humans have a nervous breakdown.