"Dang! Where's Kanye when you need him?"

At The 46th Annual Country Music Awards fans really listen to the music.  Like the performers—as if holding a tall glass of sweet tea, but afraid to spill it—they hardly move.

Throughout the night, as I stepped out of my Northern comfort zone, I was struck by how little effort was involved in being a country music entertainer.  Once the lyrics (such as “Who we are just didn’t work” or “Tell the gravedigger dig two” or “Out in the open motorboatin’ on a pontoooon”) are written, a country music entertainer can just put on his shiny cowboy boots, round up the band, and relax.  Even on stage.

Films of never-ending winding roads, flashing lights, and beach balls provide the entertainment.  Country’s greatest ain’t got to descend from no heavens upside down dangling from no rope like Beyoncé.  All they’s got to do is stand near a mic and sing. Sometimes, rather badly.  However, to country music lovers, a country tremor in the voice is far from singing off-key; that shaky instability in the voice is what gives country music its twang—besides the banjos and harmonicas, that is.

Hootie, after the Blowfish, has gone full-blown country!

I looked and I looked.  I’m pretty sure that the only Black man in the building (besides the coat check clerk) was Hootie from the Blowfish.

Nevertheless, from country’s biggest night, some of the highlights included a performance by Taylor Swift on a Parisian day.  Keith Urban sang with a whole mess of black birds flying wildly behind him against a blood-red sky. Sugarland’s self-rising bun-in-the-oven was also a big hit; with a full moon hovering overhead, gloved hands were ready for an early delivery (and a ratings boost).

The hosts of the show did double-duty.  In honor of the victims of Superstorm Sandy, Brad Paisley sang a countrified version of Alicia Keys’ “New York.”  A fully-robed choir (from a white church) even tried to pitch in to help.  And as for Carrie Underwood’s ominously smoke-filled solo performance, let’s just say the crowd was, at times, “Blown Away” by an uncharacteristically less than pitch perfect rendition of the song.

Although serenaded by Lady Antebellum; Blake Shelton, Keith Urban, a dude named Mickey; and Faith Hill (in braces and black leather pants) with her hubby Tim McGraw, Willie Nelson refused to crack a smile until a guitar touched his withered old hands and he was singing “On the Road Again.”  The legend, whose eyes were as clear as Visine, was then presented the first ever Willie Nelson CMA Lifetime Achievement Award.  Hide ya weed, hide ya pipe, it’s gonna be a Big Willie night!

"Look what The Voice done did for us, honey!"

Song of the Year went to Blake Shelton and his tearful wife Miranda Lambert for “Over You,” a song inspired by Shelton’s recently deceased father and the loss of a brother.  Eric Church, who sang his hit song “Springsteen,” an ode to Bruce Springsteen, won Album of the Year, his first. New Artist of the Year was handed down to a little tyke named Hunter Hayes whose manly speaking voice was strangely more melodic to the ear than his “singing” voice.

Little Big Town provided some unexpected chuckles when they thanked Jesus more times than a po’ Black Christian could count.  Kelly Clarkson and Vince Gill took some time to sing “Don’t Rush” in a way that had a distinctly glorious Hall & Oates feel.

Shoot, while I was thinking I wanted to hear “Don’t Rush” again, next thing I knew, The Voice’s big country sweetie, Blake Shelton, was winning Male Vocalist of the Year and Female Vocalist of the Year was being presented to his squeezably-soft wife Miranda Lambert.  After Entertainer of the Year, the biggest prize of the night, went to none other than Blake Shelton, everyone realized that Taylor Swift had been “Kanye West-ed” CMA-whoop-’em-gang-up-style.

“I ain’t sure I deserve it, but I’ll sure take it!” Miranda Lambert said, after winning Female Vocalist of the Year.

The guilt-ridden winners (though tickled pink on the inside) were as gracious as could be after stealing all that candy from that baby Taylor Swift.  Undoubtedly seeing “Red” album sales, the poor li’l willow-the-wisp’s lips were noticeably not the only crimson spots adding a glow to her face.

My Big Ma always said, “It’s never easy to watch a big & tall girl fall.”  But, all in all, I learned that Keith Urban and Kenny Chesney have truly beautiful voices and that a long country night filled with stars could be pretty cool.  Only thang missin’ was the crickets.