My big black daddy would have torn through Instagram, chucking spears, to snatch me up outta that bed!

Fathers, go get your daughters.  So what if she’s over 21, making her own paper, and living under her own roof?  If she’s a virgin, go get her and secure a bedazzled bracelet just above the ankle-bone to detect if she travels outside the designated perimeters of work or school.  But whatever you do, snatch your daughter from the world and lock her in her room.  Because if you know she’s a virgin, that devil who licks his big red lips whenever she’s around knows she’s a virgin.  And wet behind the ears.  With milk on her breath.  He can hear the goo-goo-ga-ga in her voice.  He knows she’s innocent and gullible—a newborn to love—and highly susceptible to bustin’ an awkward virgin move.

Consider the fairytale romance of Jordin Sparks and Jason DeRulo, which was doomed from the start when Jordin Sparks fell for the old engagement ring trick.

At first she was feeling like they were a match made in iTunes heaven.  Now she’s probably just feeling like . . .

What the hell just happened here?!  

But you don’t have to be an actual virgin to bust a virgin move.  Rumor has it that one reason Lisa Left Eye Lopes lost her mind and left TLC (whichever came first) is because Rozonda Chilli Thomas sought to get Dallas Austin, her then boyfriend/baby daddy, more than his rightful share of TLC earnings.  As a producer, Dallas Austin by nature was expected to thump and bump beats around in the background; but, Chilli had no right to conjure him up to be seen in the light as if he were some ghostly fourth member of the group.  Now a seasoned perpetrator of awkward virgin moves, Chilli’s childish antics did not stop in the 90’s.  Fast forward to late 2002, seven months after Left Eye (TLC’s only good eye) drove into the sunset.  Chilli, the repeat offender, went on the Chitlin’ Circuit to promote that sad Left Eyeless project she and Tionne T-Boz Watkins threw together sans the heart and soul of the group. Chile, Chilli went from A to Z promoting her then boyfriend’s tour.  She flew from VH1 to TV1 to BET to XYZ to LMNOP and looped all the way back to WEtv talking not about MEtv or the R&B sensation TLC but Usher.  (Also known as Er-sher, if you have hood tendencies.)

Nowadays you don’t even have to be just off Similac to bust an awkward virgin move.  Consider exhibit O.  Yes, that O!  When Oprah Winfrey met Stedman Graham, she was born again!  Let the church say, “Amen!”  She behaved brand new on The Oprah Winfrey Show!  Four o’clock daily, she went all Marcia, Marcia, Marcia on us.  Stedman did this.  Stedman did that.  Stedman, who as you know is a very smart man, and I were in bed talking and Stedman said this.  Stedman, Stedman, Stedman!  Did best gal pal Gail and the late great wordsmith Maya Angelou really have to tell The Big O to stop bustin’ awkward virgin moves all across air and ocean?  Really, Or-pahhh?!

Some of you may be scratchin’ your heads, mumblin’, and tryna carry over the one figuring if Holliday Vann is sayin’ awkward virgin moves are gender specific.  Scratch no mo’.  I shole is.

Tom Cruise was an aberration.

Tom Cruise: Uh oh, uh oh, oh, no, no, lookin' so crazy in love!

When Tom Cruise climbed his widdle self up on Oprah’s couch with his widdle hands and feet (Buster Browns still on like a toddler), it was to impress a pink and pretty little girl, Katie Holmes.  Tom Cruise was gushing.  Not the same at all!  Tom Cruise, while likely giving Nicole Kidman the (hidden) finger, was not acting as a Katie Holmes promoter.  He was not gushing from the standpoint of “See how much more interesting and worthwhile I am now that I’m attached to Katie!”  While objects in the rearview mirror look larger than they seem, take a closer look.  There was NO low self-esteem, naiveté, or desperation involved when he climbed up on Big Mama’s chair.  None.

Jordin Sparks promoted Jason DeRulo’s career on The Today Show with Kathie Lee and Hoda Girl, on the in-between-the-sheets show on Instagram, and the late shows like an old pro. Pro bono.  (That means “for freeeee” y’all!)  Hit  by a smooth criminal, Jordin Sparks is now crushed by the realization that her fanatical desire to shout out her connection to Jason DeRulo was nothing more than an awkward virgin move.

If you should see Jordin shopping through tears this season (picking up sweaters for Jason DeRulo and putting them back, picking up watches for Jason DeRulo and putting them back), don’t be surprised if, when she passes the bottles of men’s cologne, she sways forward like a Weeble and wretches when Jason DeRulo’s too-familiar scent, overpowering her, wafts into her wed ‘n wunny nose.

But don’t let the swollen and bloodshot eyes blurred by tears fool you.  Jordin Sparks is seeing with the eyes of a wise old owl these days.  Nothing drops the scales off the eyes quicker than when you’ve been turned into a caricature . . . and robbed of your hymen . . . for the whole world to witness . . . all with your permission.

Guess who’s bitter since the Jordin Sparks and Jason DeRulo breakup?

Jordin Sparks is spewing bile in a remix of Drake’s “How Bout Now” off a new mixtape aptly named #BYEFELICIA.  “Bye Felicia” is a quote from the movie Friday.  When “Felicia” says she’s bouncing and you could care less, you say “Bye, Felicia,” but real gry-like.  It’s the same as saying: “Child please, you still here?”  The bad taste in Jordin’s mouth sparked this blistering torch song:

Feeling like I have to get all of this off my chest/
I know you are sitting there thinking, ‘What is she gon do next?’/
‘Member I deleted all my other guys’ numbers out my phone for ya?/
‘Member when you broke yo’ neck and I had to wash yo’ back for ya?/
You prolly don’t remember half the “shiggity” I did for ya.

(Sidebar: For real though, in some Omen IV type sh!t, Jason DeRulo literally broke his neck rehearsing for his 2012 tour.)

So, girls, what is the moral of this fairy tale turned nightmare?  The Jordin Sparks and Jason DeRulo breakup teaches us that it is better to kiss a few frogs than lie down in green-seeming pastures while poisonous toads unzip-a-dee your doo-dah.

Those of us who were once stymied by the loss of the hymen want schoolgirls, virgins, and old hoes alike to know that there is no shame in being Tom-Cruise-crazy-in-love.  Just be your own Beyonce first.  Make sure you are a WHOLE person, separate from any boy or man—FIRST!

“Virginity is a gift best not given to anyone . . . but your husband . . . or your second or third husband.” –Holliday Vann

Whether you are a celebrity or Molly Cottontail from a farm in Ohio or Idaho, keep your personal life separate from your business life.  Go out and live and learn and educate yourself and discover who you are.  Take all the time you need.  Even if you are determined to fall down, scrape knees, and bruise a too-soft heart failing to mold unbendable love to your whims, for this wisdom, you can thank me later.  Much later, if necessary.  The choice is yours.

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Do you think Jason DeRulo used Jordin Sparks for career gain?  Or is he simply suffering from a case of “The Big Head”?