It wasn’t always the pits, but it was always jolie!

Truth. I’ve always been Team Angelina. It’s puzzling. On the surface, Angelina Jolie’s lifestyle at various points has not lined up with my core belief system. However, I have also noticed that, hypocritically, my own lifestyle has strayed from time to time from my core belief system.

Angelina Jolie has admitted that she is ambisextrous. If the person or sex is strange like Beetlejuice with onyx nail polish and Goth-black hair, she’s all for it. She believes in same-sex marriage, and actually vowed to “live in sin” until everything that wanted to get hitched was legally able to do so. So, then, after shacking for an eternity, finally, she goes and jumps the broom for a slice of time as thin as a blinding white thigh shining through the drapes of a black dress.

Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, aside from being a chain smoker, seemed to live a lifestyle so feet-flat-to-earth mundane, that she may actually be Christiany. Like me. However, even though Angelina Jolie may have stolen Jennifer Aniston’s husband under the guise of working with him on sex—oops, “working with him on set,” adulterer that Jolie is, I’ve always liked her.

Though they may differ from my own, Angelina Jolie actually has values. She is willing to risk breaking her brittle bones to stand up for her values. She is willing to get dirty for them. She is willing to sweat for them in Kampuchea and Africa and other places that are air-conditionally challenged.

Just milkin’ it…

I have always resented Jennifer Aniston for NOT being worthy of the too good-looking Brad Pitt. I resented how after she married Brad, she seemed to let it balloon her head. Always leading him by the hand, like having him on a leash. Always being out front as if she were the prized blue ribbon cow and not him.

It bugged me. I E-magined (for no one really knows these folks) that all Brad Pitt wanted was one (very likely hideous) child: One half troll (Jennifer’s genes), one half GQ model-boy (Brad’s genes). After 7 fat years of marriage, Jennifer Aniston did not want to fast from smoking for 9 measly months!!! Besides, pregnancy would mean gaining weight. Growing big itchy stretch marks. And God forbid that a troll who already has eyes, blue as they are, set too close in her head would assume the added burden of 50 extra pounds and flesh tracks!!

It just annoyed me and Brad that whenever a name was mentioned, it was ‘Jennifer Aniston this’ or ‘Jennifer Aniston that’ when the only person in the relationship worth mentioning was Sir William Bradley Pitt.

Dem chicks on TMZ who said the breakup of Brangelina was the best news they’d heard all day are quite ordinary. Of course they’re going to root for another better-plain-than-insane Jane, who as I mentioned, was never worthy of such a lickable boy in the first place. Proof: Melanie Griffith (Yuck) and Antonio Banderas (Yum)??? Sure, ugly happens. Never worry, the universe eventually corrects its errors.

It’s the devil’s deception. As long as you live in sin, the union works, huh?

Glee and laughter aside, The Brangelina Breakup is different. There are busloads of children involved, a few boys, a few girls, and one that’s bound to check multiple boxes.

The tabloids are reporting that Brad Pitt’s marijuana use, drinking, and anger issues led to the big happy family’s demise. That got me to wondering if these were activities the couple shared before Angelina became the “Little Old Lady Who Lived in a ‘Chu’.” Maybe what caused Brad’s anger was that he wished he didn’t have to give up being what they used to be for the children, half of which they could easily banish to the far reaches of the mansion, the other half to the servant’s quarters. You know which half.

The children wouldn’t have to be banished for long, just until the patchouli incense cleansed the air or they were overcome with the munchies.

Brangelina still love each other. Angelina Jolie is a boss. And, bosses always have to make tough decisions. Sometimes, though, they can be guilty of making them too fast.

Poor Jennifer Aniston. The moment she finally settles for old what’s-his-name, Brad Pitt falls from Angelina’s bony clutches. Talk about always being the victim, the victim of Brad and worse timing, that is!

Team Brangelina Forever!!